SAN DIEGO — Ensign Salvador Santiago “Triple S Clutch” Sanchez may look like your average junior Naval officer, but he and the US Navy just made history. Sanchez, a prior-enlisted chief Gas Turbine Systems Technician-Mechanical, is the first openly-straight officer in the history of United States Naval service.

“We are very proud of this milestone,” said Adm. Lisa Francetti, the Chief of Naval Operations, until Hegseth wakes up from his latest weekend bender. “Certainly, Sal is not the first straight man to serve, but you could only assume or speak in hushed tones about it back then. Now, he can serve his country proudly and openly.”

Sanchez is not the first person in his family to join the Navy, and he asserts that he is not even the first heterosexual to join.

“My grandpa was a straight guy in the Navy during Vietnam,” Sanchez explained. “Even at that time, being straight was kind of frowned upon. Sure, all the other Sailors were hooking up with prostitutes, but that is because compulsory bisexuality was really common.”