Photo released by Kremlin 10 minutes before Prighozin fell 30,000 feet from a window

TVER OBLAST, RUSSIA — On August 23, 2023, tragedy struck the tight-knit community of mercenary caterers in the form of the completely unexpected news that Yevgeny Prigozhin, military commander of the Wagner Group and intimate friend of Russian President Vladimir Putin, has died following an accidental fall from the 30,000-foot window of his private airplane which must have gone on to land somewhere that no one knows because it definitely was not shot down.

“Naturally President Putin is quite distraught at the sudden and totally random death of his long-time associate,” said Kremlin press secretary Dmitry Peskov. “I just came from the President’s office, where I delivered the news. After I told him, President Putin had tears running down his face and could not breathe, doubled over as he was.”

A disconsolate Vladimir Putin reacts to news of his friend’s death