Yevgeny Prigozhin pronounced dead after tragic fall from 30,000-foot window
Nine bodies and wreckage found nearby "totally unconnected"
Photo released by Kremlin 10 minutes before Prighozin fell 30,000 feet from a window
TVER OBLAST, RUSSIA — On August 23, 2023, tragedy struck the tight-knit community of mercenary caterers in the form of the completely unexpected news that Yevgeny Prigozhin, military commander of the Wagner Group and intimate friend of Russian President Vladimir Putin, has died following an accidental fall from the 30,000-foot window of his private airplane which must have gone on to land somewhere that no one knows because it definitely was not shot down.
“Naturally President Putin is quite distraught at the sudden and totally random death of his long-time associate,” said Kremlin press secretary Dmitry Peskov. “I just came from the President’s office, where I delivered the news. After I told him, President Putin had tears running down his face and could not breathe, doubled over as he was.”
A disconsolate Vladimir Putin reacts to news of his friend’s death
Russian investigators combing the field where Prigozhin’s body landed said the task was made more difficult by the utterly inexplicable flaming wreckage of a small unidentifiable commuter jet and the body parts of nine other passengers who also appeared to have accidentally fallen from 30,000 feet for reasons totally unrelated to Prigozhin’s mishap.
“Life is just weird sometimes, so it’s going to take us some time to determine the actual cause of all these unrelated deaths,” observed Police Colonel Vasily Bredsivoykobyly as he poked at a wad of red goo with his boot. “But I assure you, on behalf of President Putin himself, this investigation will receive the same level of diligence and energy that we gave to the equally mysterious and ultimately unsolvable crash of MH-17.”
Colonel Bredsivoykobyly acknowledged that his team was exploring several working theories. “It’s entirely possible that the aircraft window was simply not manufactured to proper standards. Russian fenestration fabricators have been working hard to improve the quality of their products but it’s well-known that they have a poor safety record. President Putin has already suffered terrible heartbreak from losing good friends like Marina Yankina and Ravil Maganov to shoddy window workmanship likely related to Ukrainian Nazis.”
“We also can’t rule out suicide,” stated Police Senior Warrant Officer Shtany Izhetsa-Goryat as she urinated on what appeared to be Prigozhin’s severed left leg. “We found fragments of an S-300 surface-to-air missile embedded in Yevgeny’s torso. And we know Mr. Prigozhin was a tortured soul, having placed himself time and again on the front lines of our incredibly successful special military operation for the sake of the rodina. He may have simply decided that he could no longer live with those memories, gently maneuvered the 20-foot 9M82MD missile against his chest, and pulled the trigger.”
First gaining fame as “Putin’s chef” for running a hot-dog stand outside the Kremlin that Putin visited daily to place warm and juicy sausages in his mouth, Prigozhin’s acclaim grew thanks to his many battlefield successes in Ukraine. Under his leadership, the Wagner Group was praised for its ex-felon employment program and tough but fair military justice rules. Prigozhin also oversaw the most successful offensive action of the special military operation, advancing hundreds of miles in a single day before halting due to having no balls.
As of this writing, Colonel Bredsivoykobyly was pushing back on allegations that witnesses had observed smoke trails from an S-300 battery of the 42nd Guards Anti-Aircraft Missile Regiment that had been deployed to the area in a complete coincidence the day prior, saying that the smoke trails, explosions, and flaming debris that shortly afterward fell from the sky were simply a fireworks display sponsored by Prigozhin’s dear friend the President in honor of the mercenary and with wishes for his continued good health. Bredsivoykobyly also stated that the 42nd Guards would remain in place for a follow-up fireworks display in honor of General Sergei Surovikin, an associate of Prigozhin, who would be flying over Tver soon for a “short vacation.”
Kay Too Ess Ohhhhh finds your excuses vague and unconvincing.