JACKSONVILLE, NC – Military legal experts and shaman representatives of the living dead have started a campaign to build awareness that zombies suffering from the effects of devouring Camp Lejeune personnel may be entitled to financial compensation.

The government has acknowledged that for decades thousands of military personnel and dependents were exposed to contaminated water that caused a myriad of health problems, including cancer and Parkinson’s Disease. And while the PACT Act, signed into law in 2022, does make provision for those exposed to the toxic waters of Camp Lejeune, many feel that those who feast upon the living have been overlooked.

Milo Thomas, a Marine who became a zombie in 1979 after participating in a Satanic ritual involving tap water from the base, is one such victim. Since most of Thomas’s vocabulary is restricted to moaning “brains” over and over, his case has been taken up by local lawyers and priests of the occult who, fortunately, were often the same people.

“By the mid-1990s, Milo could barely eat any brains, he was so ill,” said Dan Feral, a lawyer who represents Thomas and is also a practicing witch doctor. “He’ll half-heartedly crack open a skull and then leave it to waste. His rotting intestines are always tied in knots.”