Zombies who devoured Camp Lejeune personnel may be entitled to compensation
Final settlements will be subject to class size and recovery. Also brains.
JACKSONVILLE, NC – Military legal experts and shaman representatives of the living dead have started a campaign to build awareness that zombies suffering from the effects of devouring Camp Lejeune personnel may be entitled to financial compensation.
The government has acknowledged that for decades thousands of military personnel and dependents were exposed to contaminated water that caused a myriad of health problems, including cancer and Parkinson’s Disease. And while the PACT Act, signed into law in 2022, does make provision for those exposed to the toxic waters of Camp Lejeune, many feel that those who feast upon the living have been overlooked.
Milo Thomas, a Marine who became a zombie in 1979 after participating in a Satanic ritual involving tap water from the base, is one such victim. Since most of Thomas’s vocabulary is restricted to moaning “brains” over and over, his case has been taken up by local lawyers and priests of the occult who, fortunately, were often the same people.
“By the mid-1990s, Milo could barely eat any brains, he was so ill,” said Dan Feral, a lawyer who represents Thomas and is also a practicing witch doctor. “He’ll half-heartedly crack open a skull and then leave it to waste. His rotting intestines are always tied in knots.”
A recent report estimated that as many as three thousand zombies may be suffering various maladies from having eaten contaminated humans at Camp Lejeune. One source, who spoke only on condition he be allowed to eat this correspondent’s brain, was able to articulate better than Thomas. “Since eat Marine in 1981, not feel right,” he said. “Thought to self, Marines always taste funny, but this not normal.”
The source then chased this correspondent to devour his succulent innards.
“The problem with diagnosing zombies who eat Marines is that Marines’ brains tend to taste gamey normally,” said Col. Vlad “The Impaler” Alacard. “It’s an acquired taste, and it’s not uncommon for a zombie to exhibit odd symptoms after consuming even the healthiest of Devil Dogs. For instance, many zombies, after consuming a Marine, want to go to bars, start fistfights, and make fun of Navy zombies. So it took a while to realize something was amiss.”
“This is obviously a tragedy,” said Carol Cooper, spokesperson for the Department of Veterans Affairs Undead Office. “But the government is intent on making this right. All zombies, regardless of how they joined the undead, are eligible. Whether through viral infection, possession by demonic forces, or through death by PowerPoint presentations, any current zombies may file a claim with us.”
To get the word out, advocates for huge legal fees have recommended a massive email campaign with eye-catching subject lines, such as “U MIGHT BE ENTITLED TO $COMPEN$ATION$ IF YOU EVER FEASTED UPON THE FLE$H OF CAMP LEJEUNE HUMAN$.” Experts recommend you check your spam box.
W.E. Linde (aka Major Crunch) writes a lot. Former military intelligence officer, amateur historian, blogger/writer at DamperThree.com. Bravely writes made-up news and stories for the Interesting Times Harold (https://interestingtimesharold.substack.com/)