"We’re all a little confused about how this happened."
“This is what a true Communist nation looks like!” said a North Korean lieutenant.
“You try leading a tank battalion while also finding a juice box for your kid during a mortar strike," said one lieutenant.
“Just in time before peace breaks out!” Biden declared. “Maybe.”
This is "information incoming Secretary Pete Hegseth is going to want to be aware of right away."
“It’s just so inspiring and reassuring to see the pro-life vote out in force,” said Oksana Petrenko, a six-year-old from Mariupol.
“For the last time, this is not the same as SWCC."
Porn star spreading word, legs as required
He was one of many candidates in the running. Here's the full list.
Tuberville says his stance is not only morally correct but is also a means of solving a military personnel crisis.
“These are not the buttholes that defeated the Nazis."
“Honestly, that is the biggest tragedy,” said Navy recruiter and Tiktok dance sensation Petty Officer 2nd Class Drea Avila soberly.
“The Founding Fathers didn’t have Twitter, but if they did, they’d be tweeting exactly what I’m thinking."
When asked for comment, a spokesperson from the Marine Corps simply stated, “Yut.”
As recruit H. Potter was called forward, he was heard muttering, “Not Marines, not Marines."
One vet described the onslaught as “comedic IEDs.”
"Five minutes late? Start checking the dumpsters.”
Genius.
"No one gets to launch tactical nukes at Philadelphia until they’re 100% complete on annual training.”
“Do we really want Pfc. Joe Garlic and his 2.5-yard apes tearing the place up?
“This Airman was like, 'Did you try using Firefox?' And I'm like, brother, I AM Firefox."
“People may have been evacuated by soldiers, but they don’t have to eat like them."
"We all hear horror stories about Jody and Dear John letters, but I saw this on a campaign ad. I mean, what the fuck?”
"Yeah, I’m a little annoyed that, once again, everyone points to the Jews. Running the New World Order is a team effort."
"Hey, hero, stand up and get to the back of the hall! God dang!"
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