This week in American power projection: the map was wrong, the dorms were fine, and the travel card was for official purposes.
Story Roundup
Pentagon casualties, metric improvement, and Fat Leonard’s least dignified phase.
Situation Report
Latest dispatches
The story feed
Page 8 of 177
DOGE vows to reduce Pentagon to triangle
"The DoD is no longer an oversized bureaucracy. Instead, it will be an obtuse bureaucracy with sharp angles.”
4 min read
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Green Beans calls up reserve baristas
Company pledges espresso superiority across all combat zones.
3 min read
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Mattis emerges from time machine, horrified to learn Pete Hegseth is SecDef
General returns to find ICE in museums, POWs in Ukraine, and the Constitution on vacation.
4 min read
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Freshly-acquitted diddy gives your weekend safety brief
Gold diggers, Bieber, and malt liquor: Diddy’s safety brief hits different
3 min read
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8 tattoos you can get under new Hegseth policy
Good news: Tattoos of Pete Hegseth depicted “in the Greek Style” are now allowed.
5 min read
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ICE deports Sergeant Major of the Marine Corps
2 min read
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Iran rebranded 'Pepsistan' in new Pepsi-Pentagon strategic partnership
U.S. military now powered by freedom, capitalism, and high-fructose corn syrup
3 min read
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VA launches negative disability ratings to fill budget gaps
“They’re going to charge me for ‘significant reduction in BMI’ due to losing my leg,” one veteran said.
4 min read
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C-5 on Ramstein ramp spends entire world war III in timeout
Strategic airlift mission replaced by strategic pub crawl
2 min read
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This July 4th, remember to honor veterans who lost limbs last July 4th
Officials urge Americans to keep all limbs attached until at least July 5th
3 min read
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Hegseth renames USNS Harvey Milk to USNS James Earl Ray, but a different one
Says move is part of broader strategy to ‘de-gay the gray hulls.’
2 min read
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Noem visit to LA troops ends in gunfire, K-9 fatality
DHS Secretary insists dog was ‘out of regs and possibly liberal.’
2 min read
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Grandma just wants to know if that was you dropping bombs on Iran
Family sources confirm she also believes you’re in charge of NORAD.
2 min read
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US accidentally re-invades Iraq
Troops surprised to find old combat outposts still smell like Axe body spray
3 min read
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Army birthday parade sparks rediscovery of Von Steuben’s pimp-step parade doctrine
Lost doctrine finally answers the age-old question: What if marching was fabulous?
5 min read
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Navy finishes retrofitting F/A-18s with periscopes, torpedoes
After decades of dominating air superiority, Navy shifts focus to dominating water mediocrity.
3 min read
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Army secretary decries 'PowerPoint in parade form' for Trump's birthday
Senior leaders cite “mission creep,” cosplay mishaps, and energy drinks as key factors in birthday parade debacle.
3 min read
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After Israel attacks Iran, IndoPacom commander starts hiding missiles under bed
“I’m not letting those goddamn CENTCOM punks steal from me again,” said Adm. Samuel Paparo. “Not this time. Not ever.”
1 min read
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Trump declines parade march, citing sudden bone spur flare-up
Insists he's ‘more injured than most heroes’ after learning parade route involves walking.
3 min read
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New Air Force one denied security clearance due to excessive foreign connections
Jet claims it was just being polite when Qatari royals “kept climbing inside.”
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Fort irwin to be renamed fort Hitler
Army insists it’s “a completely different Hitler,” citing strong Union loyalty and bratwurst recipes.
2 min read
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Basic bitch goes to basic training
Johnson single-handedly organized a supply run for pumpkin spice latte MREs (Meals, Ready-to-Eat).
3 min read
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Elon Musk awarded Bronze Star for accomplishing nothing
“While he achieved literally none of his stated objectives, the PowerPoint slides were clean, and he cc’d a lot of people.”
4 min read
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Taliban to probe allegations of fair treatment of women
"A man should feel safe as he walks down the street, not agonizing that a woman could be around any corner."
3 min read
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US 'far behind in capabilities' being sold by retired general
The retired officer says that America is woefully under-resourced in a defense technology capability that is only sold by his company.
3 min read
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