This week in American power projection: the map was wrong, the dorms were fine, and the travel card was for official purposes.
Story Roundup
Pentagon casualties, metric improvement, and Fat Leonard’s least dignified phase.
Situation Report
Latest dispatches
The story feed
Page 7 of 177
Inside the race to design the douchiest Department of War t-shirt
Pete Hegseth demands designs that are ‘super fucking lethal.’
3 min read
members
Captain barely keeping a lid on all the marxism onboard
USS Wasp leadership fears crew will collectivize chow line
2 min read
members
Pentagon to prioritize EUCOM, INDOPACOM, AFRICOM, CENTCOM, SOUTHCOM, NORTHCOM
DoD pledges undivided attention to all six commands at once using math, magic, and PowerPoint
4 min read
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US invades Venezuela after discovering massive stores of 'big booty Latinas'
Recruiting offices report record surge in male applicants aged 13 to 97
3 min read
members
Newly renamed Secretary of War briefly feels something other than crippling insecurity
Secretary of War orders maximum lethality, receives minimum validation
3 min read
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Department of War loses access to $1 trillion DoD budget after name change
Check rejected after department fails standard government name verification form
2 min read
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Hegseth announces Pentagon will stop fighting wars, focus on lethality
Department of Defense to rebrand as Also War Department
4 min read
members
Trump recalls Jan 6ers to D.C.
This marks the first time a cosplay militia has been federally activated by executive order
3 min read
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Air Force base renamed after Ashli Babbitt
Pentagon insists new base name will really bring the country together this time
3 min read
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ICE partners with Taliban to round up Afghan interpreters
Under the agreement, the Taliban will offer “on-the-ground expertise” in displacing and shattering the lives of former allies.
2 min read
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Pentagon finds Hegseth pullups as root cause of failures in Iraq, Afghanistan
Audit finds lack of dead hang directly correlated with collapse of two nations
3 min read
Duffel Blog’s guide to failing your sleep study
If you soil yourself you’re guaranteed to be flagged for having something wrong with you.
4 min read
Pentagon changes rear admiral rank to something less gay
Historic title to be replaced with something the SECDEF can say without giggling
3 min read
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National Guard mobilized to pick fruit
Governor hails “historic partnership” between citrus industry and underpaid weekend warriors
3 min read
Chimp hanging upside down from lectern named new Pentagon spokesman
Banana tariffs, China, and showing his butt top agenda for new flack
3 min read
D.C. Man forgets to thank guardsman for his service while being detained
Witnesses say the disrespect rivaled Pearl Harbor, 9/11, and kneeling during the anthem
2 min read
Putin meets with high-level asset in Alaska
U.S. intel community describes situation as “super-weird, even for Alaska”
2 min read
Adm. McRaven hasn’t made his bed in years, sources say
Sources say unmade bed had more loose ends than the Afghanistan withdrawal
4 min read
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Pete Hegseth thrown onto court at WNBA game
Police officer removes SECDEF using towel and rubber gloves
2 min read
Trump gets Greenland in blockbuster three-way trade with Spain
Trade deadline shocker shakes up NATO division standings
2 min read
Fort Hood promises to keep murdering soldiers, despite name change
Rebrand includes new signage, commemorative coins, and same culture of unanswered questions and haunted latrines.
2 min read
Marine commandant realizes this is just how it’s going to be now
Commandant confirms it’s not temporary dysfunction—it’s the mission.
2 min read
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Naval Academy summer program teaches kids how to be racist, tie knots
Program blends soft skills, hard prejudice, and light tobacco use.
2 min read
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Pentagon renames Fort Huachuca to Fort Hawk Tua
The Fort’s marketing office is working with the Defense Logistics Agency to develop a new hawk mascot in Oakleys.
4 min read
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Cobra Commander begs son to join Air Force
Cobra had been increasingly preoccupied with Billy’s future, particularly in the aftermath of the group’s disastrous foray into Ukraine.
5 min read
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