Chimp hanging upside down from lectern named new Pentagon spokesman
Banana tariffs, China, and showing his butt top agenda for new flack
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Page 6 of 176
D.C. Man forgets to thank guardsman for his service while being detained
Witnesses say the disrespect rivaled Pearl Harbor, 9/11, and kneeling during the anthem
2 min read
Putin meets with high-level asset in Alaska
U.S. intel community describes situation as “super-weird, even for Alaska”
2 min read
Adm. McRaven hasn’t made his bed in years, sources say
Sources say unmade bed had more loose ends than the Afghanistan withdrawal
4 min read
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Pete Hegseth thrown onto court at WNBA game
Police officer removes SECDEF using towel and rubber gloves
2 min read
Trump gets Greenland in blockbuster three-way trade with Spain
Trade deadline shocker shakes up NATO division standings
2 min read
Fort Hood promises to keep murdering soldiers, despite name change
Rebrand includes new signage, commemorative coins, and same culture of unanswered questions and haunted latrines.
2 min read
Marine commandant realizes this is just how it’s going to be now
Commandant confirms it’s not temporary dysfunction—it’s the mission.
2 min read
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Naval Academy summer program teaches kids how to be racist, tie knots
Program blends soft skills, hard prejudice, and light tobacco use.
2 min read
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Pentagon renames Fort Huachuca to Fort Hawk Tua
The Fort’s marketing office is working with the Defense Logistics Agency to develop a new hawk mascot in Oakleys.
4 min read
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Cobra Commander begs son to join Air Force
Cobra had been increasingly preoccupied with Billy’s future, particularly in the aftermath of the group’s disastrous foray into Ukraine.
5 min read
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DOGE vows to reduce Pentagon to triangle
"The DoD is no longer an oversized bureaucracy. Instead, it will be an obtuse bureaucracy with sharp angles.”
4 min read
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Green Beans calls up reserve baristas
Company pledges espresso superiority across all combat zones.
3 min read
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Mattis emerges from time machine, horrified to learn Pete Hegseth is SecDef
General returns to find ICE in museums, POWs in Ukraine, and the Constitution on vacation.
4 min read
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Freshly-acquitted diddy gives your weekend safety brief
Gold diggers, Bieber, and malt liquor: Diddy’s safety brief hits different
3 min read
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8 tattoos you can get under new Hegseth policy
Good news: Tattoos of Pete Hegseth depicted “in the Greek Style” are now allowed.
5 min read
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ICE deports Sergeant Major of the Marine Corps
2 min read
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Iran rebranded 'Pepsistan' in new Pepsi-Pentagon strategic partnership
U.S. military now powered by freedom, capitalism, and high-fructose corn syrup
3 min read
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VA launches negative disability ratings to fill budget gaps
“They’re going to charge me for ‘significant reduction in BMI’ due to losing my leg,” one veteran said.
4 min read
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C-5 on Ramstein ramp spends entire world war III in timeout
Strategic airlift mission replaced by strategic pub crawl
2 min read
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This July 4th, remember to honor veterans who lost limbs last July 4th
Officials urge Americans to keep all limbs attached until at least July 5th
3 min read
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Hegseth renames USNS Harvey Milk to USNS James Earl Ray, but a different one
Says move is part of broader strategy to ‘de-gay the gray hulls.’
2 min read
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Noem visit to LA troops ends in gunfire, K-9 fatality
DHS Secretary insists dog was ‘out of regs and possibly liberal.’
2 min read
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Grandma just wants to know if that was you dropping bombs on Iran
Family sources confirm she also believes you’re in charge of NORAD.
2 min read
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US accidentally re-invades Iraq
Troops surprised to find old combat outposts still smell like Axe body spray
3 min read
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