WASHINGTON — Raytheon won an exclusive contract to send six retired guys out to stare at shit, sources report.

The six guys will come out next week and will wander around for a month. For a few hours a day they will stand in front of a computer stack and stare at it with their arms crossed. Afterward, they will grab hold of a supervisor at a wildly inappropriate time.

“We're here for the reboot, so you need to take the system down,” they'll say, referring to a system that has been working without an issue for years. One will pull out a laptop and announce the instructions on how to restart a computer. Nobody is allowed to ask if this multimillion dollar contract could be completed by giving an E-4 the laptop.