FALLS CHURCH, Va. — Tricare will extend benefits to that one girl named Kyle, Kelly, or maybe it was Carly from Tinder that you hooked up with two years ago, sources confirmed today.

According to recent surveys, the chief complaint about the military's health care system has been a "lack of care." Which is why officials believe that by allowing Carla, Kara, or whatever her name was to receive health coverage, Tricare will be greatly improved.

“There’s two ways to address ‘lack of care,’” said Jay Farmer, a Tricare spokesman. “You can either increase the quality, or increase the quantity. Since the former would require inquiries, studies, listening to patients and their needs, and a lot of budget increases — which we're not prepared to do — increasing quantity is much easier.”