QUANTICO, Va. — In a misguided attempt to awaken the warrior spirit of the Corps, a seance conducted by senior officers at Henderson Hall went awry when thousands of fallen Marines began rising from their graves at Arlington National Cemetery this week.
“We figured holding a seance was just as silly as all the other superfluous stuff we were doing to awaken the Corps’ warrior spirit,” said Col. Al Crowley, who had been acting as lead ceremonial cultist. “We never realized the second and third order of effects unleashing these occult forces would cause.”
Visitors to the hallowed national cemetery fled in panic as the undead began to alternatively whistle and wolf call at women. Others reported some of the walking dead outright propositioned them.
“A skeleton in dress blues asked if I wanted a mustache ride,” said one woman visitor. “He kept putting his boney hands on my behind and he didn’t even have a face!”
Incidents of hazing were reported as reanimated sergeants began to force patrons to bend and thrust or endure the indignity of atomic sit-ups.
“That thing made me put my face in its dead ass,” reported a traumatized victim. “My nose totally touched its dead sphincter!”
Other patrons were forced to pick up cigarette butts and empty nearby GI cans as the undead Marines supervised police calls and [foreign object debris] walks up and down the national cemetery.
An already chaotic situation intensified as a brawl broke out between the walking corpses of Marines who fell during the battles of Iwo Jima and the Chosin Reservoir. When members of the Army’s Old Guard arrived to restore order, the fallen leathernecks began hurling body parts and insults at them.
“Those damn jarheads are arrogant dicks even after they’re dead,” said one member of Delta Company nursing a black eye. “You should have heard the things they said about my mother.”
At press time there continued to be reports of mobs of Marine undead storming local liquor stores led by the reanimated corpses of Ira Hayes and Pappy Boyington.