In an attempt to reduce the weight carried by already overburdened infantryman, the Marine Corps announced today that it would seek to reduce troops' combat loads by recruiting fewer wussies.

"Studies by the Marine Corps Warfighting Lab and Center for Naval Analyses have shown that we can greatly decrease injury rates by reducing the number of wimps, wusses, and Nancy-pantses in our infantry units," said Commandant of the Marine Corps Gen. Robert Neller.

"Further, we believe a battalion's lethality will increase ten to fifteen percent simply by removing all broke dick losers from its ranks."