BAGRAM, Afghanistan — Deployed soldiers found the preserved remains of a prehistoric staff officer frozen in a remote Conex box on Bagram Airfield, noting that the discovery may revolutionize the budding scientific field of "Slideology," sources confirmed today.

Soldiers stumbled upon the fossil, which they believe belongs to the species uselessum majoris, while exploring a section of the base that hadn't been visited in decades. They say the nearly completely intact remains contained rare and exquisite samples of hair and skin.

"His head was so well-preserved. Signs of male pattern baldness are still evident around the scalp," said Sgt. Kelly Holcomb. "And you can see that his stubby little sausage fingers are perfectly evolved for editing PowerPoint presentations and making red pen changes to information papers."