BAGRAM, Afghanistan — Deployed soldiers found the preserved remains of a prehistoric staff officer frozen in a remote Conex box on Bagram Airfield, noting that the discovery may revolutionize the budding scientific field of “Slideology,” sources confirmed today.
Soldiers stumbled upon the fossil, which they believe belongs to the species uselessum majoris, while exploring a section of the base that hadn’t been visited in decades. They say the nearly completely intact remains contained rare and exquisite samples of hair and skin.
“His head was so well-preserved. Signs of male pattern baldness are still evident around the scalp,” said Sgt. Kelly Holcomb. “And you can see that his stubby little sausage fingers are perfectly evolved for editing PowerPoint presentations and making red pen changes to information papers.”
Researchers believe the find may offer insight into the earliest years of staff officer evolution. This is the oldest fossil found to date that shows signs of a flattened, blubber-covered pelvis designed specifically for sitting in the same place for long hours, and a resting dumb face which may have evolved to ward off task-oriented commanders.
“Contrary to what is normally seen as a violent period in evolutionary history, this specimen actually lived a fairly comfortable and luxurious life,” said Dr. Steve Cristal. “We can tell from the contents of his stomach that he fed at the local dining facility four, sometimes five, times a day on a diet primarily consisting of energy drinks and ice cream.”
Scientists in the area also found the preserved remains of a lieutenant which they think may have gotten lost and wandered into a local tar pit.
“We’re not really surprised about this one,” added Cristal. “Lieutenants are wandering into tar pits all the time.”