THE PENTAGON—Sources say the newest Sergeant Major of the Army plans to field a throwback uniform to inspire pride within the ranks and prepare the Army for the impending wars with Iran, North Korea, Venezuela, Russia, China, and The Duchy of Monaco.

“The ‘pinks and greens’ represent the last time the Army was truly great,” said incoming Sergeant Major of the Army Command Sgt. Maj. Michael Grinston. “But our service uniform should reflect the first time the Army was great. I mean, we didn’t fight a near-peer adversary in the 1770s and ‘80s, we beat the best standing army in the world.”

An Army spokesperson said the new uniforms, known as ‘colonial blues,’ will be modeled after those from the American Revolutionary War. The uniforms will include a powdered wig, tricorn hat, linen shirt, wool coat with vest, one-size-fits-all leather shoes, and an optional louse comb. Soldiers will trade in their MOLLE packs for haversacks and their magazines for cartridge boxes. At roughly $2,500 a set, soldiers will arrive to battle and mortuary affairs in style.