WASHINGTON – The U.S. Army has announced its newest line of 2020 chest candy. Secretary of the Army Ryan McCarthy revealed that the significant expansion of the badge inventory is an attempt to boost recruiting with Gen Z.

“Science shows that the only way to reach these little weirdos is to generate an unjustified feeling of self-worth by tickling the same dopamine receptors they hit when they use social media and unlock Xbox Live Achievements,” the service chief said. “So, we plan to hit them with a constant barrage of bright colors and shiny, meaningless objects to manipulate them into devoting their prime years to a pursuit that will leave them riddled with arthritis and devoid of actual transferable life skills.”

Now, soldiers everywhere can exclaim with glee, “These are my awards, mother, from Army.”

“Infantry Badge” (IB)