THE PENTAGON — The Army may have a new physical fitness test, but the Navy has countered with a new Combat Fatness Test.
All chief petty officers and above are going to be required to take the test in front of crowds of lower-ranking personnel in public forums.
Master Chief Petty Officer of the Navy Russell Smith announced the change, saying, “The chiefs are sort of pissed, but it was difficult to get any of them to stand up and walk over here to submit any formal complaints.”
The new test will require Navy E-7s, E-8s, and E-9s “to conduct a series of job-related functions to see if they qualify for immediate medical retirement or if they can still order people to do their jobs for them and eat in fancy-schmancy mess halls away from the lesser peons.”
“We tried to tailor the test to the duties that the chiefs will need to perform,” Russel Smith continued. “And softball.”
Tailored events include a “sit-and-reach your knees” event and an office swivel chair quarter rotation.
So far, the performances have been varied.
One master chief petty officer, so convinced he couldn’t pass the 200-meter shuttle walk, ordered a 19-year-old seaman to dress as the chief. The ruse was found out, however, when the seaman rarely swore and passed a sobriety test at the CFT site, both clear indicators something was amiss.
Every chief passed the portion of the test where the chief was instructed to force sailors to do their jobs for them.
The many events in the fatness assessment include forced coffee consumption, a donut-eating competition, and a test to review the chief’s saltiness.