CAPE CANAVERAL — Saturday marked America’s return to human spaceflight, as a Falcon 9 rocket ferried NASA astronauts to the new SpaceX crew dragon capsule into orbit. Relieved to finally be free of the bloated Air Force bureaucracy, the new US Space Force got to work to do its part in American’s new human space program—programming the rocket to draw a massive penis in space.
“Because the Falcon 9 has so much delta-v, we decided to do something different,” noted a Space Force engineer totally preparing the rocket for launch. “The Navy and Air Force think they can draw but we have another thing coming, if you know what I mean.”
SpaceX maintains a fleet of dozens of rockets split among three launch pads. Their workhorse, the Falcon 9, has two core stages, one of which returns to sea for a landing and one that burns out above the atmosphere in Space.
“We figured we could get the balls by maneuvering around the center first stage,” continued the engineer totally knowing what he was doing. “We might even be able to get a few pubes drawn if the nitrogen jets pulse just right. For the shaft, we are relying on the upper gas expansion event and the second stage condensation. If all goes well, Northern Floridians are in for a beautiful sunset dong.”
The rocket took off without a hitch–100 percent thanks to the Space Force. Upon separation and main engine cut off, the center core performed a series of precise pre-programmed burns.
Witnesses reported seeing the space cock as far as North Carolina.
“It makes me proud to be an American,” noted one eyewitness.
“This is the most exciting day here since Apollo 11” noted a NASA old-timer.
The Astronauts—both former fighter pilots—were very pleased with their work. “You can only call yourself a pilot when you have drawn a sky dong somewhere. Thanks to the Space Force, we are finally real astronauts. Not even Neil, Mike, or Buzz can say that.”