WASHINGTON — After two years of development and testing, the Department of Defense recently released its newest technological advancement in ground pyrotechnics—the brown star cluster—intended to notify others on the battlefield that the mission has gone entirely to shit.

Dr. Michael D. Griffin, the Under Secretary of Defense for Research and Engineering, was very excited when the project initially came across his desk.

“For too long we’ve only had the standard collection of cluster flares: red, green, and white,” Griffin said. “What is this—Christmas?”