ST PETERSBURG, Russia – After initially hoping to quickly complete his mission to steal the personal data of thousands of American veterans, Russian Military Intelligence (GRU) cyberterrorist Sacha Volkhov has instead found himself stuck for months trying to compromise the byzantine Veterans Affairs computer network. The operative’s frustrations were compounded today when he received notification that his intrusion attempts were to be delayed an additional six months.

“This is a nightmare,” complained Sacha. “I’m simply trying to serve my country, and I have to deal with this kind of bureaucratic nonsense? I’ve been trying to hack my way into the VA’s outdated and overloaded systems since January.”

Although a member of Russia’s elite clandestine cyberterrorism task force, Sacha admits he dreaded this latest mission as soon as he received his orders at the end of 2019.