THE PENTAGON — Seeking to differentiate itself from near-peer competitor Domino’s, the Air Force has announced a new mission statement: “Airpower in 30 minutes or it’s free.”

“The old mission statement was too focused on outdated concepts such as warfighting and multi-domain operations,” said Gen. Charles Q. Brown, Air Force chief of staff. “Our new slogan, I mean, mission statement, focuses on what’s important: customer satisfaction.”

“When it’s Friday night and you’re trying to decide whether you’ll order Chinese takeout or a GBU-32 Joint Direct Attack Munition, you want to know that it’ll arrive hot and on time,” said Col. Tom Monaghan, an Air Force spokesperson. “Whether it’s an AGM-86 air-launched cruise missile or a B61 thermonuclear bomb, we start with the freshest ingredients. Next, our ammo troops inspect your order for quality before loading it onto a jet. Then, our delivery drivers, erm, pilots, deliver it to you anywhere. All within 30 minutes.”