Army authorizes women to grow beards

Downstairs is probably gonna become a nightmare.

Lifelike rendering of bearded soldier courtesy of U.S. Army Beard Analysis Division

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Michael R. Weimer entered his position as the Sergeant Major of the Army only a few months ago but has already initiated sweeping changes. The first domino fell when women were finally allowed to wear ponytails. The second fell more recently when women were empowered to no longer wear pantyhose or shave their legs in the field. Now, female servicemembers across the Army are rejoicing at the release of updated grooming standards allowing women to grow beards.

Weimer announced early on that he would introduce a new “blue book” of military standards, rumored to force male soldiers to only urinate in the seated position so that “we save money by no longer installing urinals in our government buildings.” Women soldiers are lauding Weimer’s efforts, though less so the increased “seat up/seat down” issues.

Gathered outside of post-exchanges to celebrate the results of years of lobbying to get literally a single standard that was to their benefit, women soldiers offered their thoughts.

“I’m pretty stoked to grow out a sick beard to match my killer mullet,” one private said under the condition of anonymity. “I’ll do it just to make the boys jealous.”

Capt. Amy Thorssen said, “You know, it’s about time we get something before the men do. I can’t even grow a beard, but you know what? I’m going to buy one on Amazon and wear that sucker on my face every day like a She-Ra-Xena-Warrior-Princess-Viking!”