WASHINGTON — The Pentagon has mandated an Army-wide safety stand-down to address the dangers of casual antifreeze consumption, sources confirmed today.

“We haven’t seen a crisis of this magnitude since our last global stand-down back in ‘08 to train soldiers on the dangers of sticking their heads in fans to make their voices sound funny,” said Gen. James C. McConville, the Army chief of staff. “We are lucky that we caught this before it escalated to the level of the autoerotic asphyxiation stand down back in the ’80s.”

According to Agent Brett Rithjen of the Army Criminal Investigation Command, antifreeze, or “ethylene glycol” as it is known on the streets, is a pervasive and deadly chemical found in every community and socioeconomic class across the United States.

“While I can’t comment on an ongoing investigation, I can tell you that we have identified a large distribution network spanning all 50 states and abroad,” Rithjen said.