JOINT BASE ANDREWS, Va. — After a tumultuous week of high-profile resignations from the Trump Administration and the withdrawal of the Homeland Security nominee, Air Force Senior Airman Davis McDaniels was startled when, upon reporting to work at the 316th Security Forces Squadron, he was notified that he had been appointed the Acting Secretary of Defense, sources confirmed today.

“I don’t know what happened,” said the bewildered Defense Secretary during a press conference in the Pentagon briefing room. “I woke up late this morning and so I was humping it to try and get to guard mount on time. I ran inside the squadron building so fast that I didn’t even notice that someone had called the room to attention.”

His commander, Lt. Col. Andrea Coleman, was also taken off guard by the news.

“I received a call this morning from the Pentagon telling me to expect special orders for Airman McDaniels,” she said. “I asked if it was related to his drawing a phallus using a permanent marker on his roommate’s face two weeks ago because we had already taken care of that. After a moment of silence, they said ‘no, just…tell him to call after he gets the orders.’”