D.C. man forgets to thank Guardsman for his service while being detained
Witnesses say the disrespect rivaled Pearl Harbor, 9/11, and kneeling during the anthem
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what many are calling an egregious display of disrespect and possibly treason, local resident Robert Hernandez reportedly forgot to thank a National Guardsman for his service during his arrest, sources confirmed today.
“I feel awful, I am ashamed,” Hernandez confessed on a recorded jailhouse phone call. “This young man was doing his duty, protecting freedom in the Jersey Mike’s parking lot, and I completely forgot to thank him while he zip-tied me near the Whole Food’s cart return.”
Several bystanders said they were appalled by the blatant lack of gratitude.
“Private Haskel is an American hero,” one witness told reporters. “He’s out here risking his life to defend his country from whatever was going on in that luxury strip mall and this piece of shit doesn’t even say thank you? This is how Rome fell.”
Hernandez’s wife, Sylvia, admitted she felt conflicted.
“I know my husband didn’t mean to disrespect the troops, he was just picking up lunch. But the Guardsman was doing his duty. He tackled Bob so hard into the curb that his sub exploded across the pavement. You don’t just not thank someone after that kind of dedication to their nation.”
Reached for comment, Private Haskel, the Guardsman in question, admitted it can be confusing.
“One second people are screaming that I’m a jackbooted thug, the next they’re asking for a selfie and buying me a round of Fireball. Honestly, I just wanted to pay for college,” Haskel said.
At press time, Hernandez was drafting a handwritten apology card addressed to “All Service Members, Past and Present” which he plans to read aloud at his arraignment on undeclared charges.
