Democrats pander to troops with Dodge Charger loan forgiveness plan
“The fastest way to stimulate economic growth is to put money into the hands of E4s."
By Blondes Over Baghdad
WASHINGTON — In a blatant attempt to curry favor with first-tour enlistees, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi has announced a Democrat-led plan to forgive debt troops have accrued on Dodge Chargers.
“These brave young men and women are under a lot of pressure to buy Dodge Chargers at an age where they don’t fully understand the long-term impact of their choices,” said Pelosi (D-Calif.). “The Sharing Charger Access Measure Act, or SCAM Act, will help our troops safely get the Dodge Chargers with the Hemi and Plum Crazy paint job they need to be respectable to their peers when they peel into the parking lot one minute before PT formation.
“We owe it to them for the sacrifices they make every day, and honestly it’s unacceptable that specialists have been so poorly supported in the last administration that they’re paying for spoilers out of pocket.”
House Republicans are angry that the measure has been shoved into the legislative agenda with little concern for the cost.
“When I was young man, troops who wanted an IROC or a Ford Mustang had to pay off the inflated pricing and the 37% interest rate themselves,” said House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy (R-Calif.). “Forgiving Dodge Charger debt would be a slap in the face for any Vietnam Vet who bought cascade green metallic Corvette on midtour and never saw it again because his cheating slut of a wife drove off with it in the divorce.”
“I say that we need to teach our young troops the skills they need to build their own purple ground light effects. If the government just hands out purple ground light effects, that discourages the others that put in the hard work and dedication to drop panties all the way to the Class Six,” McCarthy added.
Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass.), who plans to take up the bill once it comes to the Senate, stated the SCAM Act would be good for the economy.
“The fastest way to stimulate economic growth is to put money into the hands of E4s,” she said. “This will be great for the off-base car dealerships, vinyl wrap industry, moto-bumper sticker market, and USAA insurance division.”
The bill has been met with a mixed response by the troops.
“I never had a chance to accrue student loan debt, so this $40,000 loan I took out for a maxed-out Escalade put me on the same footing when I went back home for Christmas,” one soldier said on condition of anonymity. “Now, what am I going to talk about when everyone is bragging about their crippling monthly debt payments? Thanks for nothing, libs.”
Others have worried that the program would have too great an effect on overall car inflation, which could collapse the hellcat badge market for everyone.
“When I pull into Buffalo Wild Wings on a Saturday night, I want my whip to be the smoothest one there. If anyone can get a Charger, what does that leave me with?” said Spc. Jacobo Nelson. “A Jeep without a lift kit and factory tires? Fuck that.”
Meanwhile, the officer corps has mostly stayed out of the political discourse and instead continues to flex on each other by paying 7% interest on federal student loans to pay off the expensive criminal justice and national security leadership online masters degrees they feel they need to get promoted.
Blondes Over Baghdad lets someone else take the top block because it’s the selfless service thing to do. She’ll go to ranger school when there’s a 3-beer policy. Follow her on Twitter at @BlondsOvrBaghd