First female Navy SEAL maintains standard of being Oakley wearing D-bag
Piss test first thing Monday
Will sit on your face or shoot you in it. Whatever, brah.
CORONADO, Ca. — Special Operations PO1 Natalia Bennet made history earlier this year when the former Gunners Mate successfully completed Basic Underwater Demolition/SEAL(BUD/S) and SEAL Qualification Training (SQT), making her the first woman to earn the coveted warfare device known as the “Budweiser”.
Many observers were initially concerned about the inherent differences that the presence of a woman may bring to the SEAL brotherhood. But those worries were quickly put to rest. SO1 Bennet is not just a physically and psychologically strong sailor, she is also a complete douchebag.
Like many candidates, Bennet arrived at BUD/S with a love of Skoal long-cut wintergreen, Oakley sunglasses, and the way she looks shirtless in a plate carrier. However, unlike most candidates, Bennet actually completed SEAL training.
“I was never gonna be a BUD/S dud,” Bennet said while packing a lip. “I may be a lot of things: short, a steroid user, a former Chick-fil-A mascot, and a wall puncher- but I am not a quitter!”
Her acceptance into BUD/S, and subsequent graduation, was not without controversy. Pundits like Tucker Carlson feared that Bennet would lower the standards of Naval Special Warfare, even going as far as to say that maternity flight suits were to blame for the American failure to decisively win a war since 1945. However, Bennet’s fellow SEALs unanimously confirm that she has performed above and beyond, frequently outpacing several male peers.
“She runs really friggin 'fast,” said SOCS Slade Aguilar while injecting HGH and snorting a line of creatine. “And after I saw her walk barefoot into the mini-Navy Exchange wearing a Bonefrog hat and sunglasses - I knew she would fit right in.”
Bennet’s personality, even more so than her gender, made her graduation notable to all in attendance. Her grit and vibrance even made a mark on Rear Adm. Brian Bennett, Assistant Commander of Joint Special Operations Command (JSOC).
“Bennet was getting her Budweiser and instead of just saluting, she grabbed her pin, ran a lap around the field, tackled one of the Lieutenants and then started aggressively ‘v-bagging’ him,” said a teary-eyed Rear Adm. Bennett, “We’re not related or anything but I could not be more proud of her!”
With a 473 PST score and an iron will, Bennet has thus far been an excellent addition to the Special Operations community. She has not yet gone on her first mission as a SEAL but has assured everyone on her team that she plans to write her requisite memoir, tentatively titled Break the Glass Ceiling and Use the Shards to Kill your Enemy: The Navy SEAL Guide to Gender Equity, as soon as her first deployment in complete. David Goggins and Jocko Willink are already in talks to co-write the foreword.
Gray Sea Liu is a former Naval Officer, current smart-ass.