Green Beans calls up reserve baristas

Company pledges espresso superiority across all combat zones.

THE MIDDLE EAST — Amid fighting between the United States and Iran and escalating tensions in the Middle East, Green Beans Coffee has recalled thousands of reserve baristas to active duty, sources confirmed today.

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“Our brave reserve baristas stand ready at a moment’s notice to serve artisan lattes on the front lines of faraway conflict zones like Iran or Los Angeles,” said Green Beans spokesman Roastmaster Sergeant Mike Gallagher. “If hostile adversaries force our nation to put boots on the ground, rest assured that our baristas will be the first ones to hit the shore — true to our motto: always brewing.”

Green Beans, which has served coffee to American troops in war zones for decades, maintains a reserve force of more than 40,000 baristas prepared to deploy on short notice around the globe. When off duty, many of them hone their coffee-making skills by working jobs at civilian coffee shops or as military officers.

But with the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan years in the past, maintaining readiness and lethality has been a challenge. Few baristas in the ranks today have seen combat. They’ll be relying on the battle-hardened experience of their veterans, some of whom have had decades of active duty brewing experience.

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“They’ll be leaning on the experience of the old heads,” said Gallagher. “Folks who brewed through Fallujah and frothed through Kandahar.”