Israeli, Palestinian officials commit to ensuring kids grow up hating one another
Second verse! Same as the first!
Task Force Football Bat
November 06, 2023
Israeli? Palestinian? Who cares as long as the power and money keep flowing?
ISRAEL and THE GAZA STRIP — Senior Israeli and Palestinian officials today released a joint statement affirming their unified commitment to making all of the children of Israel and Palestine — "and their children's children, and really their children's children’s children, if we're being honest" — absolutely and irrevocably loathe one another for the rest of time.
"We care deeply about our children," the statement reads, "and we are steadfastly committed to ensuring they have a rich future of reaping what we, like many before us, sow in the name of age-old feuds over word-of-mouth stories people wrote down thousands of years ago and have been taking literally ever since."
Reached for comment, both Israeli and Palestinian officials agreed that “it has been inspiring and humbling to work together with our subhuman, godless colleagues from the other side to ensure a future of deep, undying enmity between our peoples as they grow up navigating unfathomable hardship and cruelty at the hands of faceless powers they could never hope to influence.”
“This is for their own good,” the group statement added.
Israelis and Palestinians have a tense history of horrific violence borne mostly by civilians, underpinned by a plucky and unshakeable unwillingness to concede mistakes or acknowledge relevant grievances.
Amid this tension, that both sides have come together on an issue in the middle of a war is noteworthy, and officials at the highest levels from both sides of the conflict lauded their “special joint conference.”
“The progress we can achieve when we put the innocent first and open ourselves to joint problem solving is staggering,” they added.
The joint statement also noted that "we can only hope that this investment in the future enables the leaders of tomorrow to be even more successful than we have been at staying in power — rather, we mean pursuing prosperity for our people."
At the conference, leaders committed to using every tool and action at their disposal to saturate their respective futures with white-hot contempt for the other side, commenting that “everything, from slaughtering their innocents or bringing the fury of legitimate anger down upon the heads of our own children in a disgusting attempt to use the death of innocents to drive world opinion away from the other side, to immediately trashing and demonizing anyone offering objective context in hopes of helping people understand how intertwined and self-reinforcing this conflict is, is on the table.”
Both parties went on to affirm that they will continue to “leverage unequivocally monstrous acts to further muddy the waters and make as many people as possible enter the quicksand debates of ‘but what about?’ and ‘both sides!’”
Leaders from around the globe updated their own stances from "gravely concerned" to "deeply engaged" upon learning of the collaboration between Israelis and Palestinians, noting “positive developments” around “the children.”
The United Nations applauded the development, with UN Special Coordinator for the Middle East Peace Process Tor Wennesland saying: "It is very encouraging to see leaders thinking of the children at a time like this. They provide the greatest of hope that we can overcome our differences, and I applaud the efforts of our ideologically opposed parties to ensure all Israeli and Palestinian children are infused with inextinguishable animosity for one another in perpetuity."
The Israeli-Palestinian collaboration provides a glimmer of hope for future cooperation, such as helping Russia and Iran continue to not at all subtly destabilize the world, shutting down better relations between Arab nations and Israel, and "maybe starting a whole new war on terror. We owe our children nothing less."
Some Guy In London and Another Guy In Texas contributed to this reporting.
Task Force Football Bat is generally exhausted by the whole thing.
