Israeli? Palestinian? Who cares as long as the power and money keep flowing?

ISRAEL and THE GAZA STRIP — Senior Israeli and Palestinian officials today released a joint statement affirming their unified commitment to making all of the children of Israel and Palestine — "and their children's children, and really their children's children’s children, if we're being honest" — absolutely and irrevocably loathe one another for the rest of time.

"We care deeply about our children," the statement reads, "and we are steadfastly committed to ensuring they have a rich future of reaping what we, like many before us, sow in the name of age-old feuds over word-of-mouth stories people wrote down thousands of years ago and have been taking literally ever since."

Reached for comment, both Israeli and Palestinian officials agreed that “it has been inspiring and humbling to work together with our subhuman, godless colleagues from the other side to ensure a future of deep, undying enmity between our peoples as they grow up navigating unfathomable hardship and cruelty at the hands of faceless powers they could never hope to influence.”