Space Force cook swears his hard-boiled eggs did not put that alien growing inside you
Game over man, game over!
By Slab Squatthurst
SPACE – It was another mundane watch on the USS Buzz Aldrin and you were just grabbing a quick protein snack before your shift when suddenly you sense what feels like a huge shit or an alien growing inside you. However, Culinary Specialist 2nd Class Harold Rubio nervously denies his hard-boiled eggs had anything to do with it.
According to ship protocol, all food stores are to be placed in the adjacent containment to the Zergomorph seeds. However, during an evasive maneuver through the asteroid belt last night, some boxes may have shifted, confirms an edgy mess cook who requested anonymity.
You knew when you sprinkled salt and pepper on the eggs just before ingesting them that something was not right. But you’ve had plenty of military cooking before, so something moving around inside the eggs and making a hissing sound wasn’t much different than last week’s dehydrated lasagna.
Usually, when you eat the cooking on board the Aldrin, you either get constipated for several sols, or you suffer from violent diarrhea. Neither seems to be happening and none of the mess deck staff are making eye contact with you, despite your cries for help.
Nevertheless, that creepy scientist you picked up last week during orbit keeps grinning at you and finger-tenting from a distance.
“The Space Force is committed to the health and happiness of whichever crew we are serving,” says Cmdr. Diana Ripley, director Space Force Food Service, Space Force Supply Systems Command. “In no way are we harboring alien seeds on board the USS Buzz Aldrin in order to research an alien species while silently cooperating with a non-descript bio-tech corporation.”
You feel something trying to claw its way out of your stomach, at which point you call for the corpsman. Your crew lays you out on the nearby table as you pray that you are shitting your pants instead.
“I think he’ll be fine,” says CS2 Rubio. “I didn’t have anything to do with whatever happens though. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to find an escape pod to nap in.”
Slab Squatthrust is a man writing in the woods with pants on.