WASHINGTON — President Donald J. Trump announced today he will not be marching in Saturday’s march to honor the Army’s 250th anniversary, citing a sudden and severe resurgence of bone spurs— a condition historically known for flaring up at the exact moment when patriotism becomes physically demanding.

“Believe me, nobody respects the troops more than I do,” Trump said while mid-swing on the back nine. “But the bones in my feet — and they’re some of the best bones, really — are under siege. Total war zone.”

Trump, whose love for the military is famously exceeded only by his love for deferring from it, emphasized his support for “all the beautiful troops doing their marchy things,” but noted that his personal physician and several Fox News contributors moonlighting as orthopedic experts advised him to sit this one out.