WASHINGTON — The entire military was granted an emergency shaving profile days after Gillette released a new ad campaign inspired by the #MeToo movement, sources confirmed today. The two-minute ad critiqued
CHANGCHUN, China — The Chinese Army relieved a decorated army officer and son of legendary Gen. Li of his command position after details were leaked that the promising young officer had
BAGRAM AIR BASE, Afghanistan — Service members currently deployed to Afghanistan were devastated when they learned that Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi and her entourage of congressmen had cancelled their
Fort Bragg, N.C. — A company commander is expressing shock and dismay that after six years in the Army a future assassin has yet to travel back in time and
FORT IRWIN, Calif. – Eight soldiers were notionally killed during a tactical exercise when their first sergeant gave their position away by trying to stand up from the prone position, sources
The following is a Point/Counterpoint concerning the enduring reputation of retired Army General and former Secretary of State, Colin Powell. Amanda Cartwright, a senior at Valley Forge High School
PENTAGON — The Department of Defense is preparing to field a new life-skills program aimed at helping service members about to separate from active service break the compulsive habit of drawing
Are you a suicide bomber aspirant struggling to succeed in today's saturated market? Are you envious that everyone is calling Yusuf the "Damascus Dominator" because he
FORT BELVOIR, Va. – Surprise and confusion occurred at the Defense Threat Reduction Agency (DTRA) headquarters when Army Maj. Greg Tomlinson wore his uniform for the first time in as long
JOINT BASE MCGUIRE-DIX-LAKEHURST, N.J. — In an effort to join the E-4 mafia, a local soldier has instead joined the actual mafia, sources confirmed today. Newly-promoted Spc. Rafael Hernandez first
Have we reached the end of publicly-supported, mutli-decade wars that have no estimable completion deadline and no clear-cut objectives? Now that they're done ruining the turkey industry, it
FORT BLISS, Texas – Recent command climate surveys from 28th Personnel Services Battalion have proved difficult to compile due to the high proportion that were filled out in bile, semen, and
PENTAGON — Much like the search for the golden ticket in Willy Wonka, the country has erupted into a sweet Fortnite gaming sesh that doubles as real world operation to select
One large veteran is praising the 5 to 4 Supreme Court decision that allows the Trump administration’s ban on transgender troops to go into effect while the legal debate
AFGHANISTAN – Millennial troops are using Snapchat to call fire missions as a new survey indicates that millennial troops are too anxiety-ridden to talk on the radios, sources confirmed today. The
A major typo in a recent presidential directive to the Coast Guard has caused the service to expend thousands of man-hours and millions of dollars in resources guarding the country&
SAN DIEGO — Disney is ready to sprinkle some magic over future Navy deployments. The Navy plans to plus up its fleet over the next five years, but its manpower goals
NEW YORK — All 17 members of the nation’s Intelligence Community (IC) enrolled in Trump Intelligence University on Wednesday after President Trump suggested on Twitter that they go back to
FORT MEADE, Md. — A brood of cryptologists bravely poked their heads into the warming rays of the winter dawn before seeing their shadows and predicting an imminent government shutdown, sources
DOHA, Qatar — Chief U.S. negotiator Zalmay Khalilzad repeated assurances today he received from the Taliban that they are "totally going to lay down their weapons and become peace
CAMP LEMONNIER, Djibouti – Pfc. Braddock Chase, the highest speed motivator in the 1-167th Infantry doesn’t listen to the haters and draggers and prefers to see the burn pits as
SMALLVILLE, Kansas — Past residents of Camp Lejeune were recently sent invoices for any superpowers they may have developed from a series of incidents starting in 1953 that led to the
BAGHDAD, Iraq — A soldier in Iraq is successfully avoiding the Uniform Code of Military Justice by living inside an amnesty box, sources confirmed today. Spc. Ray Thomas, a communications specialist
FORT LEAVENWORTH, Kan. — Senior Army officers and enlisted service members called for “disruptive thinkers” to come forward, so that they can more easily be identified and marginalized or even murdered,
CAMP HUMPHREYS, Korea – Alpha Company soldiers and military police are still searching for 2nd Lt. Trevor Senseman after he reportedly ordered the brigade command sergeant major to stand at the
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