THE CAPITOL, Washington, DC - Senator Tommy Tuberville, who actually goes by “Coach” on his Senate homepage, today demanded that the Department of Defense (DoD) halt all efforts to defend Alabama until his home state manages to reduce its infant mortality rate - among the worst in the country.

In a press conference at the Capitol, Tuberville cited the interests of his constituents, saying, “We always seek the top rankings, but we might have to go back to the practice field on this one. The people of my great state have significantly higher chances of dying during or after childbirth, dying during or after giving birth, being illiterate, being below the poverty line, being unable to safely drink their tap water, and/or being incarcerated before they reach adulthood than 88% of the league — dadgummit, I meant nation. There’s hope though. If you look at the eleven Southeastern Conference states we slide right into the bottom of the top 74% of those.”

“Football aside,” he added, “I’m going to tackle these issues one at a time, and I’m holding our important national security priorities hostage by demanding DoD cease all Alabama-related defense issues until my constituents get what they deserve.”

Tuberville’s latest approach to problem-solving comes amidst the ongoing hold on senior military nominations and promotions which he has sworn to prolong until the DoD restricts abortion access for servicemembers based upon where personnel are assigned. His new stance inverts that federalism-based argument to conclude that Alabama's abysmally high infant mortality rate must take precedence over the nation's defense, demanding the federal government account for Alabama’s failures as a state.