Adm. McRaven hasn’t made his bed in years, sources say

Sources say unmade bed had more loose ends than the Afghanistan withdrawal

CORONADO, Calif. — Retired Navy Adm. William McRaven, the former Navy SEAL who once told an entire generation to “make your bed” if they wanted to change the world, hasn’t tucked a corner or fluffed a pillow since 2014, sources confirmed after a classified intervention led by five of America’s most combat-hardened motivational operators.

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The report, first leaked by a Fort Bragg housekeeper who also moonlights as a RUMINT source for gossip, alleges that McRaven’s bed has been in a state of continuous tactical disorder since his 2014 University of Texas commencement address.

The team of elite motivators descended on McRaven’s home last week for an off-the-books domestic accountability raid.

“He said it was symbolic,” said retired Sgt. Maj. Mike Vining, who led the intervention alongside Gen. Stanley McChrystal, Jesse Ventura, David Goggins, and Jonny Kim.

Inspired by the intervention scene in the 1996 film Swingers, the men surrounded McRaven while he nervously held a fitted sheet like it was a grenade.

“We’re not here to make you feel bad,” said Kim. “It’s been over a decade and this duvet has more loose ends than the Afghanistan withdrawal in 2021.”

“He told us making the bed made him feel like he was back in Bagram under indirect fire,” said Goggins. “We told him he was in a craftsman-style bungalow in Austin, Texas and the only indirect fire he’s taken came from a podcast comment section.”

Ventura was more direct: “I used to share a sleeping bag with a Chechen double agent in Paraguay,” he said while raising his voice, “I still made the bed afterward because I respect myself, and I fear the lizard people.”

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The intervention uncovered other disturbing trends. McRaven’s once regimented morning routine has allegedly devolved into a shameful spiral of lukewarm coffee and inspirational quote retweets to feel alive again.

Veterans of the special operations community are shaken. Many had modeled their entire adult lives around McRaven’s bed-centric philosophy, including multiple Marine colonels who now live in tiny houses made of hospital corners and mattress springs.

Still, before his death in 2021, SEAL Team 6 founder Richard Marcinko had long predicted McRaven’s descent into the abyss. “He was a bright guy, but he didn’t like my rude and crude way,” Marcinko said in a 2007 interview during a bar fight at a Hooters near Quantico, Virginia. “Bill took the special out of special warfare by being too disciplined and professional.”

During the intervention, Ventura reintroduced the ‘clown drill,’ where munchkin circus performers wearing miniature BDUs screamed at McRaven while slapping him with paddles. “THIS IS WHAT THE BEDS TAUGHT YOU, BILL,” they yelled. “WHO’S GOING TO CARRY THE BOATS?!”

Meanwhile, Tim Kennedy, a former UFC middleweight and Green Beret, crashed through the window mid-intervention like a CrossFit Kool-Aid Man, fueled by tactical rage and protein powder. “I just made my bed with a burning knife.”

Kennedy, whose resume includes MMA champion, sheepdog coffee influencer, and “guy you accidentally follow on Instagram,” challenged McRaven to a fight.