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The Duffel Brief · the free edition, Monday, Wednesday and Friday

Vol. 15 · No. 131 · Monday, 2 November 2026

Veterans

Spirit Halloween store to become pop-up ICE detention center

DHS praises seasonal retailer's expertise in occupying abandoned buildings and disappearing overnight

Army FRG unveils haunted house featuring spouses saying ‘I’m fine’

Hasan execution venue double-booked with Comic-Con

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Vol. 15 · No. 131

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Vol. 15 · No. 131 · Deployed worldwide

Monday

2 November 2026

1139 Zulu

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← Front page
Army · Page 4

Army admits warrant officers aren’t real

Yes Virginia it's true, there are no warrant officers.

Filed · 0500

In the pantheon of military traditions and secrets, none has been more protected than what should have been obvious all along: warrant officers aren't real.

Yes. It’s true.

Just like Santa, the Tooth Fairy, and Marines who don’t hate being Marines, it turns out that warrant officers are just figments of our imaginations.

"We first started with the basic reports," said Lt. Gen. Donna W. Martin, commander of the Army Inspector General office. "We've all heard the stories: warrants not showing up to work, soldiers finding only a cover on a desk with warrant officer rank on it, strange rituals."

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