Gold diggers, Bieber, and malt liquor: Diddy’s safety brief hits different
Good news: Tattoos of Pete Hegseth depicted “in the Greek Style” are now allowed.
U.S. military now powered by freedom, capitalism, and high-fructose corn syrup
“They’re going to charge me for ‘significant reduction in BMI’ due to losing my leg,” one veteran said.
Strategic airlift mission replaced by strategic pub crawl
Officials urge Americans to keep all limbs attached until at least July 5th
Says move is part of broader strategy to ‘de-gay the gray hulls.’
DHS Secretary insists dog was ‘out of regs and possibly liberal.’
Family sources confirm she also believes you’re in charge of NORAD.
Troops surprised to find old combat outposts still smell like Axe body spray
Lost doctrine finally answers the age-old question: What if marching was fabulous?
After decades of dominating air superiority, Navy shifts focus to dominating water mediocrity.
Senior leaders cite “mission creep,” cosplay mishaps, and energy drinks as key factors in birthday parade debacle.
“I’m not letting those goddamn CENTCOM punks steal from me again,” said Adm. Samuel Paparo. “Not this time. Not ever.”
Insists he's ‘more injured than most heroes’ after learning parade route involves walking.
Jet claims it was just being polite when Qatari royals “kept climbing inside.”
Army insists it’s “a completely different Hitler,” citing strong Union loyalty and bratwurst recipes.
Johnson single-handedly organized a supply run for pumpkin spice latte MREs (Meals, Ready-to-Eat).
“While he achieved literally none of his stated objectives, the PowerPoint slides were clean, and he cc’d a lot of people.”
"A man should feel safe as he walks down the street, not agonizing that a woman could be around any corner."
The retired officer says that America is woefully under-resourced in a defense technology capability that is only sold by his company.
"I saw it all. All of Pornhub at once. I was, like, the god of porn for a minute.”
The USS Ronald Reagan held the record for simultaneous penis inspections, with 473 sailors participating.
“While the military will assuredly go on destroying the world in life, the Golden State will not allow them to do so in death,” said Gov. Newsom.
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